Gone Nuts
by RoyboyX
Summary: Collections of humorous one-shots based on my real-life experiences with certain challenges in N&B. I do eventually beat the challenges; this story reflects all of my frustration during play.
1. Chapter 1: Chips Away

_This was borne out of frustration when playing N&B: I hate Humba's little challenge where she pits you against Klungo, Mumbo and Pikelet, to race to the finish. She fits you in the slowest freaking car in the game. I've tried to take off some parts, I've been more careful, and yet the "troll hags" always bash me into walls and objects and make me lose. Again. And again. And again. So I wrote this out of frustration, for your enjoyment and humor, and my (and Banjo's and Kazooie's) delight. Also, this is told from Kazooie's perspective because she's funnier._

_Note that this doesn't mean I have anything against First Nations people if anyone gets that impression. I'm actually quite fond of them. Humba, however, just annoyed me, and I __**really**__ had to write this._

…

"How Banjo expect to win when he cannot beat even most hopeless racers Humba can find?"

That was the tenth freaking time I'd heard that. Humba put us in this race challenge with a really crappy vehicle. The amount of times we lost, I can't believe I hadn't already pecked out her eyes.

"Banjo, let's try again." I said. He just shrugged and jumped in the car. We tried again. Just as before, _bam! Boom! Kablam! Kabloom! Kablooie! Kazino! Kazooie! EXPLOSION!_

Our car was left in shambles and completely totaled and destroyed. Humba said, once again, for the now _eleventh_ time… "How Banjo expect to win when he cannot beat even most hopeless racers Humba can find?"

I just rolled my eyes and made a sound at her. The two of us tried again, and again, and again, and again.

"How Banjo expect to win when he cannot beat even most hopeless racers Humba can find?" she said, _for the 70th time_.

I slammed my wing on L.O.G.'s once again ruined truck. "That's it! I'm finished with you!"

I got out of Banjo's backpack, threw him off the truck, took out my wrench, and put the medium engine that Humba herself had sold to us on the truck. Kicking it into full gear, I turned it to face her, and made a bird's evil cackle.

Humba raised her eyebrow just as I drove the car right into her. She cartwheeled out of the way. Driving back, I tried to drive into her again. She was hit, and she flew backward.

"Stop it! Mumbo always say you crazy, Humba never believe him!"

"Take this now, you stupid twit!" I drove into her much harder, grinding her against the wall. I kept her on the wall as I ripped off her magical feather, and then poked her eyes out with it, before using it to turn her into a box of pizza.

"Kazooie!" Banjo shouted. "That wasn't necessary!"

"Oh come on, Banjo, L.O.G. will just remake her!" The bear just shrugged as he ran over to the truck, hopped in, and helped me feast on the Humba pizza.


	2. Chapter 2: You'll Go Blind, You Clanker

...

We'd said screw you Humba and gone off to do other challenges. Cleared Nutty Acres Act 1, got a few Jinjo tokens, blah blah. That got L.O.G. to open up Banjoland.

Both Banjo and I did a challenge for Klungo, a no-brainer like him. We found Captain Blubber for the first time on this quest and he was with Clanker. The whale... fish... whatever thing was wedged into grating and Blubber wanted us to protect his eyes from a bunch of Gruntbots.

Banjo and I picked out Humba's Tank to use, and we fought like hell, but Clanker was too slippery. After a while I had enough.

"Banjo, get off the tank! Let's go kick some Gruntbot butt ourselves!" We were fighting like hell on foot, but Blubber wouldn't stop whining.

"SHUT UP YOU STUPID HIPPO!" I shouted.

The Gruntbots had seized an eye and made off with it, and then they got the other eye and made us fail the challenge.

"Now look at the state o'this poor ol' whale... fish... thing. How could ye let Grunty get away with it?" Blubber's rancid voice spoke.

I poked my head out of the backpack and threw a couple insults at him.

"We, um, kind of tried not to. Problem is your slippery little _friend_ and our lack of speed, which we cannot do a lot about in Banjoland, makes it kind of hard for us to save his eyeballs. Why does Gruntilda want them anyway? Clanker used to be her garbage dump."

We tried again. And again. And again. To the point where the number of times we failed was twice Humba.

Over and over: "Now look at the state o'this poor ol' whale... fish... thing. How could ye let Grunty get away with it?" 10 tries... 20 tries... 50... tries... _70_... tries... _1,000,000_... fucking... tries.

"Now look at the state o'this poor ol' whale... fish... thing. How could ye let Grunty get away with it?"

"That's it! I'm finished with you too, blubber boy! Prepare to join Humba Wumba!"

I got out of Banjo's backpack and flew above Blubber's head. I grabbed his hat and spit into the inside of it, threw it away, and started whipping him with L.O.G.'s wrench. In between grunts, he'd scream out pleas for me to stop, music to my ears. "Avast, ye swabs, ye'll make the old captain sick!"

Simple little sentences that caused me to burst out in evil cackles.

"Arrr! I had a feisty parrot once, but not like this!"

"Banjo! Go get Mumbo!" He ran off and came back 10 minutes later.

"Hey Mumbo Dumbo, do me a favor and turn Captain Schlubber here into a plate of raw, rotten dolphin meat!"

"Sigh. Mumbo do as bird wish." In a second, Captain Schlubber was a plate of raw, rotten dolphin meat just like I asked.

"Now give me some sort of crap. You know all sorts of stuff that a certain warty witch would hate eating. And disguise it as sweaty gorilla feet and camel spit milkshake."

Mumbo grinned evilly.

"Mumbo eager to torment witch. As bird wish, Mumbo make crappy food!" I prepared the dish, wrapped it in a box and all of us went back to Showdown Town.

"Hey, Winkybunion! We got you a little present!" I shouted.

"What's this, a present, oh just for me? Why how good this day turned out to be! Come over here, bear, and give me your gift, then go back whence you came from, that strange swirling rift!" Grunty said, delighted.

I gave it to her and she opened the box. Taking a bite, she jumped. "Oh my word, this is quite good! What did you make it out of? Click Clock Wood?"

We all shook our heads. "Nope, it's made of frog legs and cow milk, Wart Brain!" I said.

She spat it out, threw the rest at her new minion Piddles and threw up on the ground. All of us looked away.

"Why, you three know I hate fine cuisine! Who made this for me, one of you? Come clean!"

"Goggle Boy did it, Winky! He demanded that _we_ give it to you!" I said. The old buzzard spun around and stormed off to Bottles' tour guide location.

"You should never mess with me, little mole! This Christmas, all you're getting is a lump of coal!" She turned him into a piece of coal, buying us enough time to sneak back to Banjoland. All three of us high-fived.


	3. Chapter 3: Ice to See You

…

All three of us went back to Banjoland and said screw Act 1, so we went to Act 2. We helped that purple Jinjo get away from Goggle Boy, and then we went to Goggle Boy himself.

He was up on top of this massive ice sculpture. Banjo and I passed a large ice mound that we took note of, and at the top we found Bottles with another ice block.

Apparently, that block we'd passed – "George" – was the, um… husband of "Mildred", the ice block at the top. George just so happened to be in the desert part of the little _Banjo-Kazooie_ museum, so Bottles said we have to get him out of there before he melts.

Unfortch for us, we had another crappy vehicle with a scoop (courtesy of L.O.G.), and "George" just kept slipping and sliding. Plus, the way to get him back up to the top was to get him onto a massive bridge with a texture like Clanker's, and that was no easy task.

We mostly dropped out to avoid Bottles talking to us. I was really pissed off, we just wouldn't stop losing. I _really, __**really**_ hate losing. Tried again and again. Hit a new record, 20,000,000 fails. _Wonderful_, I thought. Over and over, "Gah! This always happens when I take on an outside contractor! Poor George, he looks shattered."

Bottles said that every time we failed, to the point where my eyes were twitching and I couldn't think straight. I picked Bottles up with the wrench and snagged "Mildred" while I was at it, before sandwiching the mole in the ice blocks. When I was sure the mole was dead (again and permanently), I destroyed his goggles, "George" and "Mildred" with three simple pecks each. With a groan, I went back to Banjo.

"Who's next?"


	4. Chapter 4: Old Dog, New Tricks

It took us a couple of months, but Banjo and I were eventually able to beat Bottles', Humba's and Blubber's challenges (after L.O.G. had brought them back from the dead), in that order. Not only did we get the Jiggies, but also the T.T. Trophies. Three in a row was something that hadn't happened before.

Banjo and I had decided to stick around in Showdown Town even before we got 75 Jiggies to go back home, and we went on a mission to collect every T.T. Trophy in every challenge. Starting with Nutty Acres, we managed to clear up to Act 5, and went up to the volcano to talk to Humba. For once, the farm wasn't under a threat, but then Mr. Patch reappeared in the sky and blocked the sunlight, so Humba wanted us to blast his patchy butt away.

Okay, no big deal, I said to Humba. Just take my plane, shoot him a bunch of times. Easy T.T. Trophy, right? We had the stroke of good luck, right? _Right?_

_Wrong._

I couldn't even see the patches. Patch kept turning in the air, making it harder to fly so I could shoot him. It took so long that I ran out of time to get the Trophy and Jiggy, so Humba would only give me Notes.

I then had an idea of making a "plane" out of mostly ammo, a few engines and some fuel tanks. Since I ran out of wheels on other vehicles, I had to fling the "plane" off the volcano with L.O.G.'s wrench, jump in and take off. I took too long for the T.T. Trophy, but instead of restarting the challenge I just went for the Jiggy and got it.

"Okay, Banjo…" I said. "Let's try for the Trophy."

"You're a little obsessive, Kazooie…" he replied.

We took out the plane again, and yada yada we lost over and over. Blah blah blah. I got so tired of it that on my millionth try, I actually _got_ the Trophy.

"THAT'S IT, BANJO! CUT THE CHAIN!" I screamed.

"You sure you know what you're doing, Kazooie?"

"Just trust me!"

Banjo shrugged and flew the plane just under Patch. We jumped out and broke the chain, attaching it to our plane and flying up and out of Nutty Acres. Screw the challenge and the T.T. Trophies. I just wanted to beat Patch again.

We flew him out to Mayahem Temple and landed in front of one of the dart shooting tiki heads. I got out of the backpack and ran behind the tiki head, steering it so that it sot at each of the patches.

"Better let go, Banjo!" I shouted, just as the last one popped. Banjo let go, and we saw Patch fly away once again.


End file.
